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Jokes

Santa Apni Marriage Anniversary Wale Din Apne Ghar Ke Bahar Udaas Sa Baitha Tha, Banta Ne Ye Dekha Aur Uske Paas Aakar Puchha.
Banta: Oye Bahar Kyu Baitha Hai?
Santa: Yaar Aaj Marriage Anniversary Thi To Mene Wife Ko Gift Mein Chain Di Aur Usne Mujhe Ghar Se Bahar Nikal Diya.
Banta: Kyu? Chain Chandi Ki Laya Tha Kya?
Santa: Nahi, Cycle Ki.

Santa And Banta Jungle Mein Ghumne Gaye, Saamne Se Ek Sher Aa Gaya.
Banta Ne Sher Ki Aakhon Main Mitti Phenki, Aur Santa Ko Chilla Kar Bola: Oye Baag Jaldi Se.
Santa: Main Kyun Bhaagu, Mitti To Tune Phenki Hai.

Bant Bhagwan Ki Tapasyaa Karna Shuru Kari. Kafi Time Ke Baad Bhagwan Ji Uski Tapasya Se Khush Hokar Prakat Hue Aur Bole.
Bhagwan: Var Maango Vats.
Aadmi Sharmate Hue Bola: Prabhu, Aap Jaisa Soch Rahe Ho Main Vesa Nahi Hu, Mujhe To Vadhu Chahiye.

Teacher To Student: Beta, Answer Sheet Par Sabse Pehale Kya Likhna Chahiye?
Student: Iss Sheet Par Likhe Gaye Answer Kalpanik Hai, Jinka Kisi Bhi Book Se Koi Sambhandh Nahi Hai.

Pappu Ek Bar Apni Girlfriend Ko Milne Gaya To Uski Girlfriend Ne Kuch Sungh Kar Kaha.
Girlfriend: Aapne Muli Ke Paranthe Khaye Hai?
Pappu: Nahi Nahi, Main To Sandwich Kha Ke Aya Hun.
Girlfriend: Dont Try To Lie, I Know Lips Can Lie But Hips Dont Lie.

Santa Ne Ek Bar Bazar Mein Amrood Khareeda Aur Khane Laga. Achanak Usne Dekha Ki Amarood Bich Mein Ek Keeda Hai.
Santa Gusse Se: Abe Oye, Tere Amrood Mein Se Toh Kida Nikla Hai.
Amrood Wale Ne Kuch Socha Aur Phir Bola: Bhai, Apni Apni Kismat Hai, Kya Pata Agle Amrood Mein Se Motorcycle Nikal Aaye.
Santa Ne Ye Suna Aur Khush Hoke Bola: Achcha, Chal Fir 5 Killo Pack Kar De.

Circus Ka Malik Santa Ko Dante Hue Bola.
Malik: Be Parwai Ki Bhi Koi Hadd Hoti Hai Tune Raat Ko Sher Ko Khula Chod Diya Thha?
Santa Hairan Hote Hue: Iss Se Kya Farq Padta Hai Sher Ko Koun Chori Karega.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury's...

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
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