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Jokes

Four retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their pints, and order another round.

Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."

They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a 1 Pound yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for Pound 25 Million Pounds and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer; it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired Gujaratis from Wembley.... They're waiting for Happy Hour......... when drinks are half-price!!!"
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting, "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan MainDealer?"
India defeated Pakistan in the Champions Trophy match at Birmingham. Here are various reactions to this win:
Pakistan Government denies that it ever sent a cricket team to Birmingham. It says the evidence provided by India is doctored. It challenges India to produce "unequivocal evidence" and not merely claim it won the match.

NDTV has supported Pakistan's claim.

Manishankar Aiyer claimed in fact Pakistan won the match.

Arundhati Roy has claimed that whilst Prima Facie there is no evidence that India defeated Pakistan, if it did so, it was a gross violation of the rights of innocent Pakistanis. She plans to go to International Human Rights Commission for getting this investigated.

Shashi Tharror has said it is an "exasperating farrago of distortions, misrepresentations&outright lies being broadcast by an unprincipled showman masquerading as a journalist". When the journalist tried to search for the meaning of Tharror's words, the computer crashed.

Nidhi Razdan meanwhile ousted Sambit Patra from the debate when he claimed that Pakistan lost the match.

Ravish Kumar could not be seen since the screen was kept black in mourning.

Kejriwal said that if Pakistan lost, it was probably due to "hacking of the scoreboard" and challenged ICC to have a rematch.

Prashant Bhushan plans to take this to Supreme Court at around 2 AM.

Inzmam Ul Haq was asked about the match. All he could say was, "The boys played well."

Rahul Gandhi said he would have to analyze the results and meditate before commenting. He is going to Bangkok for a month for the same purpose.

Akhilesh Yadav, when asked about the match first wanted to know how many players from Gujarat were in the winning team.

Arun Jaitley directly described the win as a result of demonetisation.

Amit Shah said this win is a proof that the people want BJP government in 2019.

Yogi Adityanath said Pakistan lost because it ate beef.

Trump has sent a confusing tweet congratulating India. It strangely reads: "Covfefe"

A correspondent tried to contact Arnab Goswami to know his reaction. He has since gone deaf, so we will never know Arnab's reaction.
What's the difference between a normal politician and Shashi Tharoor?

Normal Politician: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
Shashi Tharoor: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

Normal Politician: Twinkle, twinkle, little star...
Shashi Tharoor: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

Normal Politician: All that glitters is not gold.
Shashi Tharoor: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

Normal Politician: Beggars are not choosers.
Shashi Tharoor: Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

Normal Politician: Dead men tell no tales.
Shashi Tharoor: Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

Normal Politician: Beginner's luck.
Shashi Tharoor: Neophyte's serendipity.

Normal Politician: Birds of a feather flock together.

Shashi Tharoor: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

Normal Politician: Beauty is only skin deep.
Shashi Tharoor: Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

Normal Politician: Cleanliness is godliness.
Shashi Tharoor: Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

Normal Politician: There's no use crying over spilt milk.
Shashi Tharoor: It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

Normal Politician: You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks.
Shashi Tharoor: It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

Normal Politician: Look before you leap.
Shashi Tharoor: Surveillance should precede saltation.

Normal Politician: He who laughs last, laughs best.
Shashi Tharoor: The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

Normal Politician: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Shashi Tharoor: Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

Normal Politician: Where there's smoke, there's fire!
Shashi Tharoor: Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.venance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
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